NICU

The nicu has strict rules. I guess so the babies stay well, don't get over stimulated, and all that jazz. 

Our kids get to go back but it's only certain hours. And their is only 3 to a bedside so that leaves one of us hanging out in the waiting room for a while. Total pain in our rear but that's the rules. 

So today I said I know ya'll only allow 3 but we could make an exception for a little bit to be back there as a family and maybe get a few pictures. The lady at the desk said she would have to call the nurse in charge. She hung up and said ya'll have 30 minutes and that's it. 

I made the kids wash their hands quickly 

When we got back there Kendal wasn't sure about it. She just looked at them as usual in the incubator and was ready to go. I said we are going to take them out. She watched as the nurse handed Bryce to her daddy and the biggest smile came across her face and she had to touch him. She said she loved him. 

They both looked at them for a while. Josh and I sat and let the kids hover over us and look at them. I thought I would feel overwhelmed or nervous. But I felt complete and happy. It was a joyous feeling. It was my whole family together and it was amazing! 

Our family went from 4 to 6 over night. It's not what I planned for but I couldn't be happier. Look what God gave me. Surely he thinks I am special enough to have all of this. I am going to try my best not to let him down. I love them all with all my heart. This is going to be a good life <3

My Wishes Are....

1) That I could sleep right now 

2) That I could move to Okc or Florida. Either would suit me just fine. Just somewhere where there is life and more opportunity. I want my kids to experience the same things I did growing up.

3) That I lived closer to the mall. I have been going to the mall a lot lately. I forgot how much I LOVE the mall. Even if I am not buying anything I just love being there. 

4) That I could go to the beach without having to drive a million miles away. Mark my word the twins will be sitting on the beach next summer. Both of my others went as babies and these will too. When you grow up in Florida that is just something  you dream of... your babies going to the ocean for the first time. 

5)That I could figure out what I want to be in life. Having 4 kids I am going to need a good job. I just hope I can juggle 4 kids and a job. :~0

6) That I could bring my babies home. That is my biggest wish of all at the moment.

7) That Kendal would learn to love her bed more than her daddy :) She thinks she has to be against him every night and  that is where I belong. I know she won't always be able to sleep near him so I try to let her sometimes. She was told her pet would get taken back to the store if she got in my bed again. She no longer climbs in the middle she just lays by him on the outer edge :P That girl!    

8) That Blake will love the 4th grade.

9) That  I could see my mom. She would be so amazed at how many kids I have. Especially twins. She would be happy for Clif and Rachel and how we are building our lives. She would be so proud I know.

10) That I will always know what's important and what's not.

11)  That I know what's worth fighting for and what isn't.

12)  I know who my friends are from the ones who aren't.

13) I know when it's time to hold on or let go.

14) That it's okay to be happy and perfectly fine to be sad.

15 )That I take one day at a time and don't rush what I have right now.

16) My biggest wish of all is to live my life to the fullest with no regrets. Every moment that turns into a memory is what I live for :)

Mommy Mode

Today I have been in full mommy mode! Taking care of the older 2 and preparing for the babies. Josh is working nights so that means I am taking care of them for the majority of the day alone. It's such a big change from what we are used to. Josh working nights reminds me of when we first met. Only thing different about it now is the kiddos. I manage Blake and Kendal fine. They are easy, they do their own thing all day. The only time they really need me is when they are hungry. When the other 2 get home that's when I will be wishing there is more of me. EEk!

I keep thinking back when my others were babies and wondering if these babies will be anything like them. When I had Blake I didn't think I had room in my heart to love another child. My heart was completely given to him. He stole it the first time I laid eyes on him.                          

Then along came Kendal. She was attitudy,cuddly,and absolutely beautiful. Once again I was in awe and in love. My heart made room for 2 beautiful children.        

I was certainly blessed and I knew it. The days flew by. They were and still are growing so quickly. I watched them play and learn from one another and most importantly, turn into friends. 

Blake has always had the sweetest smile and Kendal has always had the most gorgeous eyes I have ever seen. They are my everything <3

The days have their ups and downs but I choose mostly ups. And the truth is they are growing up so quickly. It is amazing how time has gone bye and they are who they are now. It's amazing I went from 2 to 4 kids over night.But, I am ready for it! I haven't felt as confident as I have today. The whole day while doing all that I did I thought to myself, I think I can do this.Everything is going to wonderful. And truth be told it's the first time I felt that way. God saw me depressed, God saw me missing my mom, God saw me lonely, God saw me missing my birth family, God saw me lacking. God said no more of any of that, here's you a big beautiful family. I thank him daily. What a blessing. If I was meant to be anything on this earth, I was meant to be a mommy. I still love being Sarah and doing Sarah things but being a mom is WONDERFUL! 

She is my only girl.. and isn't one enough??

Dieting

While staying in the hospital for 5 weeks I managed to lose 15 pounds. I was on a strict diet for my diabetes. So my meals were small and snacks were sugar free. Sometimes I would get vanilla wafers which I felt was a special treat because it was real sugar. I only got a few though.  I ate so much sugar free jello and pudding. I drank diet coke and unsweet tea. None of this is what I preferred but the outcome was amazing. I was at a smaller weight than I was before I got pregnant. No fast food or soda and 15 pounds was gone. YAY!

Well I am still at that weight but I would like to keep my diet and lose more weight. That's what I am hoping to do.  I never lost my baby weight with Blake and then I gained more weight with Kendal that never came off either. So,  in order to do this I have to watch carbs and sugar just like I had to in the hospital. But I was monitored in the hospital. So this is a challenge. 

And here's the problem. With all the back and forthing to the hospital and all my emotional days, fast food and junk food are finding their ways back into my life. My favorite foods these days are:

Cheetos, Otis Spunkmeyer cookies, (from the hospital and they are huge) chick-fil-a, burger king, brownies, and dr pepper. Like I seriously want nothing else.  But it makes me sick as soon as I eat something bad I feel awful. So, I know I need to go back to my diet. Ham sandwiches are the only thing  I can eat and not feel like I am going to hurl. 

I know I am not getting any younger and I have to do this for my kids. Just the weight I have lost I have more energy and feel better. I need all the energy I can get. So if anyone has any recipes or any words of encouragement feel free to leave them for me. I need all the support I can get.  Thanks.

Vacation- Day 2

 Rise and Shine and ready for Breakfast!

 The water park was a blast. And today I played!

 Kendal amazes me! 5 years old and she figured out how to carry her tube up the stairs. Miss Independent. She is so much like her dad. Blake is so much like me. However, I do believe Kendal gets her free spirit from me :) 

 After we got done swimming we went to dinner. 

 Then we went to the Branson Landing. I loved it there. Shoppping, dining, and water. All of my favorites.

Coke float with daddy

 Kendal danced in the street 

At night they have a show with fire, music and the water shooting up. It was awesome. This was my favorite part of Branson. Such a nice relaxing night.                                                          
  

Vacation

After being up all night, we woke up early and headed to Branson. A vacation we  have looked forward to for 5 months. We are staying at the CastleRock Resort. It  has a indoor water park. It's going to be awesome! 

Blake is under that bucket

 Lazy River 

I extremely exhausted have barely swam at all today. The kids and Josh are going to swim until closing time. 

Blake loved the slide. He shot out so fast he wasn't on his tube anymore lol He kept doing it over and over.     

                       I need sleep. Hopefully I will have more energy tomorrow to play. But right now just some sleep would be a vacation. Hope everyone has a great night! Oh and Thunder Up!                                                          

Just some thoughts

I can't sleep. I keep thinking about my babies and how badly I want them home that insomnia has taken over. I guess I better get used to not sleeping.

Next week they are going to try bottle feeding. I am so excited!! When I look at them my heart is overfilled with joy. What a blessing they are. Having them in the NICU for months has been a lot to deal with. I am ready to dress, feed, and clothe my babies. I think Bryce looks like Kendal and Brody looks like Blake. But how can that be when they are identical twins? I don't know we will just have to wait and see. 

I have been missing my mom. Not being able to call her or go see her is very painful.  The pain is more than I  can handle sometimes. I have always needed her but right now more than ever. I guess a person never gets over wanting their mama. I know I never will.  I know I was meant to get married and have a child before my mom passed. That is the only way I have been able to deal with it the way I have. And that has made mine and Josh's marriage stronger because I lean on him for everything. And he lets me cry on his shoulder for her. Nothing else he can really do but that. My babies were born on her dads birthday. She was close to her dad. I was 5 when he passed and I remember her taking it very hard. I wonder if she had something to do with them being born on that day. Things work out in mysterious ways. 

I drove for the first time today and it felt wonderful! And I have been able to start taking bubble baths again. It may sound silly but  it's the little things that make me love life. Now when I can swim I will be one happy lady.

I just can't figure out why everything has happened the way it has lately. I honestly thought Blake and Kendal would be my only children. So getting pregnant with twins was a huge shocker and not being able to carry them the whole pregnancy has made me really depressed. I feel as though they are in the nicu because I failed to do what I was supposed to. I know it wasn't my fault but I sure do blame myself. I don't understand what happened to Josh and why we are starting over with everything. Life has a way of getting you down but I know something better is around the corner. So many reasons to be hurt and so many reasons to be thankful. It's just deciding which ones to dwell on. 

My blood pressure has been high so I had to see my doctor yesterday. He asked if I do anything besides be a mom. Seriously? When you have 4 kids being any thing else is next to impossible. But Josh and I both agreed that I need an outlet and some girl time with friends. Dinner and pedis for sure. I sobbed because I don't know who I have that will do that with me and sobbed some more because he is so great! Maybe it will be him that has to do it with me. He is my dearest friend. But girl time is very essential. I value and long for friendship. I  think it's very important. Women just get women. Men don't always know what to say or do where a friend knows exactly what to do or say. I feel like I don't make enough time for friends. So that's on my to do list right away. 

I am so excited about Tuesday. Well actually I have mixed emotions. We have our trip to Branson scheduled. Which we have had scheduled before the boys were born. It was supposed to be our last "big thing" we do with our oldest before the babies were born. Well now they are born and I am going to be hours away from them. My father in law had given us a vacation to Branson for Christmas. We will only be gone for 4 days but it will be hard on me. I have to just have faith and have fun with Blake & Kendal. My doctor told me to keep life as normal as I can for them. One nurse told me they can take care of my babies but not my 9 and 5 year old. I have to do that and take care of myself. That made me feel better. So I am going to do the best I can to enjoy our mini vacation. 

Being a wife and a mother of 4 is going to be a challenge. But, with a lot of prayer, family, friends, driving around, bubble baths, reading, working, playing, hoping, dreaming, crying, and laughing I know I can do this :)

June 8, 2002

Today we celebrated 10 years of marriage. 

In 10 years I've learned to appreciate a man that will help around the house. He is quick to help with the dishes, vacuum, and make beds.  I've learned to appreciate a man that cooks. I have learned to appreciate a man that has OCD because that means everything is organized and always kept neat. I appreciate the fact that he works hard is willing to do whatever to make sure I stay home and raise our kids. I appreciate that he thinks of my happiness before his own. I appreciate his love for traveling and making memories with our children. I share the same interest. He is a family man, he's always positive, he hardly tells me no when he knows it's something I want, and he is good at whatever he does. He puts his whole heart and mind into everything. I have learned to appreciate all that.   10 years has gone by fast. But time flies when you are having fun :)  I'm ready for 10 more!