Just some thoughts

I can't sleep. I keep thinking about my babies and how badly I want them home that insomnia has taken over. I guess I better get used to not sleeping.

Next week they are going to try bottle feeding. I am so excited!! When I look at them my heart is overfilled with joy. What a blessing they are. Having them in the NICU for months has been a lot to deal with. I am ready to dress, feed, and clothe my babies. I think Bryce looks like Kendal and Brody looks like Blake. But how can that be when they are identical twins? I don't know we will just have to wait and see. 

I have been missing my mom. Not being able to call her or go see her is very painful.  The pain is more than I  can handle sometimes. I have always needed her but right now more than ever. I guess a person never gets over wanting their mama. I know I never will.  I know I was meant to get married and have a child before my mom passed. That is the only way I have been able to deal with it the way I have. And that has made mine and Josh's marriage stronger because I lean on him for everything. And he lets me cry on his shoulder for her. Nothing else he can really do but that. My babies were born on her dads birthday. She was close to her dad. I was 5 when he passed and I remember her taking it very hard. I wonder if she had something to do with them being born on that day. Things work out in mysterious ways. 

I drove for the first time today and it felt wonderful! And I have been able to start taking bubble baths again. It may sound silly but  it's the little things that make me love life. Now when I can swim I will be one happy lady.

I just can't figure out why everything has happened the way it has lately. I honestly thought Blake and Kendal would be my only children. So getting pregnant with twins was a huge shocker and not being able to carry them the whole pregnancy has made me really depressed. I feel as though they are in the nicu because I failed to do what I was supposed to. I know it wasn't my fault but I sure do blame myself. I don't understand what happened to Josh and why we are starting over with everything. Life has a way of getting you down but I know something better is around the corner. So many reasons to be hurt and so many reasons to be thankful. It's just deciding which ones to dwell on. 

My blood pressure has been high so I had to see my doctor yesterday. He asked if I do anything besides be a mom. Seriously? When you have 4 kids being any thing else is next to impossible. But Josh and I both agreed that I need an outlet and some girl time with friends. Dinner and pedis for sure. I sobbed because I don't know who I have that will do that with me and sobbed some more because he is so great! Maybe it will be him that has to do it with me. He is my dearest friend. But girl time is very essential. I value and long for friendship. I  think it's very important. Women just get women. Men don't always know what to say or do where a friend knows exactly what to do or say. I feel like I don't make enough time for friends. So that's on my to do list right away. 

I am so excited about Tuesday. Well actually I have mixed emotions. We have our trip to Branson scheduled. Which we have had scheduled before the boys were born. It was supposed to be our last "big thing" we do with our oldest before the babies were born. Well now they are born and I am going to be hours away from them. My father in law had given us a vacation to Branson for Christmas. We will only be gone for 4 days but it will be hard on me. I have to just have faith and have fun with Blake & Kendal. My doctor told me to keep life as normal as I can for them. One nurse told me they can take care of my babies but not my 9 and 5 year old. I have to do that and take care of myself. That made me feel better. So I am going to do the best I can to enjoy our mini vacation. 

Being a wife and a mother of 4 is going to be a challenge. But, with a lot of prayer, family, friends, driving around, bubble baths, reading, working, playing, hoping, dreaming, crying, and laughing I know I can do this :)